Deep Guy- Rated R- Starring Seann William Scott, Denise Faye, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Sara Downing, Eugene Levy, Chris Cooper, Scott Caan, Shane West, Jason Alexander, and Bernie Mac. Directed By Ben Stiller.

Jake (Scott) is a foul-mouthed jock who sets a bad example everywhere he goes. After his dad (Cooper) forces his to go to church for once, he falls for the preacher's daughter (Faye). Only now he has to clean up his act in order to be able to meet the expectations of her and her father (Levy). He enlists the help of his geeky brother (Thomas) to help him become the guy his dream girl desires. Turning himself into what he's not can be harder than Jake thought.

CHAMBER PICTURES PRESENTS

A MAC THE MOVIEGUY PRODUCTION

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

DEEP GUY

DENISE FAYE

EDDIE KAYE THOMAS

EUGENE LEVY

SARA DOWNING

CHRIS COOPER

SHANE WEST

JOHN CLAYTON

JASON ALEXANDER

BERNIE MAC

WRITTEN BY MAC THE MOVIEGUY

PRODUCED BY MAC THE MOVIEGUY

DIRECTED BY BEN STILLER

FADE IN:
EXT: FOOTBALL FIELD
Jake (Scott) is practicing with the college team. We see Coach Daddy (Mac) is shouting at the team. We notice the other players Marcus (West) and Luke (Clayton) playing.

COACH
Catch the motherfucking ball you cocksuckers!

Jake runs next to Marcus

MARCUS
Id like to see his fat ass run out here.

JAKE
Lets do this.

The camera zooms out to show the line formation. Luke is the QB and has the ball. Marcus and Jake are on eather end.

JAKE
Throw the fucking ball Luke.

LUKE
Shutup.
(pause)
42. 45 hike.

Luke backs up. The line is tackling each other. Marcus and Jake try to break for an opening. Marcus gets sacked. Jake runs to the endzone. Luke drops back more and ditches the ball to Jake. Jake is wide open in the endzone. He gets smacked in the face.

LUKE
Damn!

Jake falls down unconscious.

MARCUS
Ha!

CUT TO:
INT: Locker room
Luke and Marcus are sitting on a bench when Jake walks in.

JAKE
Motherfucker that hurt.

MARCUS
You took it like a man!

JAKE
Shut the fuck up man. It isnt funny.

LUKE
You were wide open!

JAKE
So what? It was just a practice.

MARCUS
You suck man. Coach is pissed.

JAKE
Yeah. I heard him shouting Fuck! about 30 times as I passed his office.

The three boys look at Coachs office.

MARCUS
Big Coach Daddy. I wouldnt be surprised if he cut your ass.

The door opens and a naked chick runs out.

LUKE
Isnt she a cheerleader?

JAKE
Yeah. I think so.

Coach steps out wearing only boxers and smoking a cigar.

COACH
Jake. Get the fuck over here now.

JAKE
Coming.

LUKE
Keep it real man.

Jake steps into
INT: COACHS OFFICE

Coach sits down behind his desk. Jake shuts the door behind him.

JAKE
Sorry coach.

COACH
Im not pissed at you. Mistakes happen.

JAKE
Really?

COACH
Youve got an F in your chemistry lab. You cant play this weekend.

JAKE
Fuck.

COACH
I feel you man.

JAKE
Thats so not fair. I had an A last week?

COACH
Mr Simmons called me himself. Did you do something to piss him off?

JAKE
Other than fuck his daughter?

COACH
Thats not a problem. So have I.

Jake is stunned.

COACH
Girls like a fuckin roller coaster. One person gets off another person gets on.

JAKE
Wow.

COACH
Get back in there. Im done with you. Pull up that grade boy. You hear me?

JAKE
Yes Coach.

COACH
Coach what?

JAKE
Yes Coach Daddy.

COACH
You best represent.

Jake leaves the room.

CUT TO: JAKES JEEP
Jake, Marcus, and Luke are in the car driving down the road.
Nellys Ride Wit Me is playing.

LUKE
So you screwed that chick and Coach did too?

JAKE
Yeah.

MARCUS
Hes a pimp. Im telling you. Nobody gets as much as he does.

JAKE
Actually. Its rather disturbing.

MARCUS
What? That you and Coach tapped the same ass?

JAKE
Shut up.

MARCUS
You could have saved her time and done it at the same time.

Jake swerves and a cop car behind him flashes on his lights.

JAKE
Fuck. This is just fucking great.

Jake pulls over and so does the cop car. Officer Percy Marks (Alexander) steps out of the car.

JAKE
Shit.

PERCY
Well well well. Mr Mini-Sheriff.

JAKE
Percy Fucking Moron. Hows it going?

PERCY
You swerved. Im gonna have to write you up.

JAKE
Youre an idiot. Funny how no one has given you a ticket for that yet.

PERCY
Can you say Detention hall?

JAKE
Can you say fired?

PERCY
Your father may not be the brightest bulb in the room, but he is smart enough not to fire me.

JAKE
You got a 71 on your test. If you had have missed 2 more questions you wouldnt be here.

MARCUS
Hes an idiot!

PERCY
Out of the car.

JAKE
No.

PERCY
Disobeying a police officer?

JAKE
Percy. Youre hardly a human being, let alone an officer.

Marcus and Luke laugh. Percy pulls out his gun.

PERCY
Ill shoot.

JAKE
Bitch, you wont do jack shit.

Jake pulls away. Percy is mad.

JAKE
(shouting)
Rejoin the human race!

CUT TO: JAKES HOME.
Jake walks through the front door alone. His father, Sheriff Bob (Cooper) is furious.

BOB
You disobeyed an officer.

JAKE
No. I disobeyed Percy.

BOB
I dont care! You still pissed him off. He wants to put you in jail

JAKE
He threatened to shoot me.

BOB
You probably deserved it!

JAKE
Fuck you.

BOB
What?

JAKE
You heard me. Fuck! I said Fuck!

BOB
Thats it. Tomorrow morning. You are going to church.

ZOOM ON JAKES FACE

Jake faints.

CUT TO:
INT: CHURCH

Jake is sitting in the front row in a complete daze. He is dressed up in a suit and tie. His father is sitting next to him and his brother Lewis (Thomas) is sitting on his other side.

JAKE
(to Lewis)
If I vomit tell everyone else Im dying of aids. No wait. Cancer. If Im dying of aids that makes me gay.


LEWIS
Idiot.

JAKE
Geek.

LEWIS
Idiot

JAKE
You already used that. Ass.

The entire church stops what they are doing and stares at Jake.

JAKE
If!
(pause)
As if? Like totally!

The church goes back to their lives.

Suddenly, Christina Thompson (Faye) and her preacher father Fred (Levy) walk in from the back of the church. Jake is stunned.

JAKE
Who is that?

LEWIS
Shes a preachers daughter. Out of your league.

JAKE
Hardly.

Fred walks up to the front and Christina walks in front of Jake.

JAKE
(stuttering) Hi Jake. Im Jake, youre not. I mean, whats your ass?

The church stops again to stare at Jake. Fred takes a knee and begins to pray to God.

JAKE
If?

The old lady sitting behind Jake taps him on the shoulder.

OLD LADY
That doesnt work twice.

JAKE
Shut up.

Everyone stops what they are doing. A boy two rows behind them starts to cry.

LEWIS
(leaning over to Jake)
Never tell an elderly lady to shutup.

Christina sits down next to Lewis.

Fred comes down and stands in front of Jake. He proceeds to bless him.

FRED
Remove the evil! Remove the EVIL!

JAKE
Dude! Stop!

BOB
Let him do his job.

JAKE
Stop! This isnt the Exorcist!

FRED
Cast Lucifer out of his body.

Fred places his hand on top of Jakes head.

JAKE
Is this where I
(Evil grin)
Oh!

Jake falls to the floor and fakes convulsions.

FRED
Ive never done this before!

MAN IN BACK
Call 911!

LITTLE CHILD
Kill it.

LEWIS
I second that.

Christina gets down on her knees next to Jake.

CHRISTINA
I wish he could come back to me so we could kiss!

Jake stops.

LEWIS
(sarcastically)
Gee. What a miracle.

CHRISTINA
Good acting.

JAKE
What about my kiss?

CHRISTINA
Not today.

Christina gets back to her seat. Fred is mad at Jake and goes back up to the front and starts his sermon. Jake gets back in his seat. For the whole time all he can do is stare at Christina.

CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE CHURCH

Bob, Lewis, and Jake are standing outside while everyone shakes hands and stuff. Fred and Christina approach Bob.

FRED
Never come here again.

BOB
All of us.

FRED
No. Just the satanic child.

Fred walks off.

BOB
See what youve done. You bastard!

Bob walks away.

LEWIS
(fake)
What? Coming mother!

Lewis runs off.

JAKE
Idiot. We dont have a mother. Geez.

Christina laughs.

CHRISTINA
You know if you werent such a bad boy, youd be kinda cute.

JAKE
Ill do anything to get with you.

CHRISTINA
You gotta clean up your act. I dont date people like you.

JAKE
I would sell my left nut to get a date with you.

CHRISTINA
Lesson 1: Girls dont like to hear guys talk about their nuts.

Jake and Christina laugh.

CHRISTINA
You coming next week?

JAKE
If you are.

CHRISTINA
I have to.

JAKE
Sure.

Christina walks off. Jake stares at her ass. We see and old man watching Jake.

JAKE
(mouthing the words)
Lint.
(points to butt)

Christina walks past the old man who proceeds to grab her ass checking for lint. Christina slaps the old man.

OLD MAN
Lint!

CHRISTINA
Oh. Sorry.

Christina gives the old man a kiss on the lips.

JAKE
Damn. I should have done that.

The old man smiles and walks over to Jake.

OLD MAN
Ive never had such a thrill in my life. If youll excuse me, I have to find a restroom.

The old man walks off.

JAKE
Thats fucking disgusting.

Everyone standing around stops and looks at Jake.

JAKE
OK. That is really getting old. You stop for me but not for a pervert who grabbed Christinas ass?

A lady faints.

MAN 1
Barbara!

WOMAN 1
Someone call 911. I think she had a heart attack!

Jake walks off nonchalantly.

CUT TO:
INT: CHRISTINAS ROOM
Christina and her best friend Mika (Sara Downing) are sitting on her bed studying.

MIKA
Was he cute?

CHRISTINA
Hes rude, but yeah. Hes cute.

MIKA
But your Dad thinks hes possessed by Satan or something, right?

CHRISTINA
Yeah. He tried to perform an exorcism on him today in church.

MIKA
You need to get out of this house. This isnt healthy for you.

CHRISTINA
What?

MIKA
This whole religion thing. Your dad is a freak!

CHRISTINA
Yeah.

They laugh.

MIKA
If you dont want this boy, I want him.

CHRISTINA
No. Im going to see if he can shape up.

CUT TO:
EXT: FOOTBALL FIELD
Jake, Marcus and Luke are practicing with the rest of the team. Coach Daddy is off to the side.

COACH
Run that motherfucking ball Jake! RUN!

Jake is running from Marcus toward the endzone.

MARCUS
Im coming for you bitch.

JAKE
No you arent.

Jake runs faster and pulls away from Marcus. Jake runs into the endzone. He throws the ball down and Marcus still tackles him.

MARCUS
Ha! I tackled you anyway.

JAKE
Shit.
(coughs)
That fucking hurt.

Marcus gets up and helps Jake up.

COACH
Run the play again.

Jake and Marcus walk back to the line.

JAKE
You gonna tackle me again?

MARCUS
Bet your ass.

LUKE
Im not throwing it to you. Its not your play. You were the only one open.

JAKE
Ha!

MARCUS
So? Im still gonna tackle you.

CUT TO:
INT: LOCKER ROOM
Luke, Marcus, and Jake are sitting on a bench.

LUKE
What was church like?

JAKE
Met this incredibly hot girl. Im gonna fuck her.

MARCUS
Did you let her know?

JAKE
What?

MARCUS
That youre gonna fuck her.

JAKE
Of course not. Ill let her know later.

LUKE
Or you could try to be nice and just go out with her. Let things fall into place.

JAKE
I could.

MARCUS
But?

JAKE
Right now. I just want to tap that ass.

The three boys look at Coach Daddys office as the door opens. 3 naked cheerleaders run out of the room.

COACH
Thats right! Coach has officially fucked the entire squad!

1 more cheerleader runs out of the office.

JAKE, LUKE, and MARCUS together
Damn!

LUKE
You dont want to be like him do you?

CUT TO:
INT: HOME
Jake is watching TV and Lewis walks in.

JAKE
Just the man I was looking for.

LEWIS
Why?

JAKE
I have to class up for the preachers daughter.

LEWIS
Shes out of your league.


JAKE
I can get you a date with a cheerleader.

LEWIS
OK. What do you want me to do?

CUT TO:
INT: KITCHEN
Lewis and Jake are sitting at the table.

Lesson One

LEWIS
Hold your fork like this.
(demonstrates proper way to hold a fork)
And knife like this.
(demonstrates proper way to hold a knife)

Jake attempts and accidentally stabs himself with the fork.

JAKE
Shit!

LEWIS
You cant cuss.

JAKE
What?

LEWIS
You cant cuss. Shes a preachers daughter.

JAKE
Fuck this.

Jake prepares to stand up and leave.

LEWIS
What?

JAKE
No cussing? Thats bullshit.

Jake moves to the kitchen phone and calls Christina.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Hello?

JAKE
Hey.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Who is this?

JAKE
You tell me.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
(in a whisper)
Someones doing some creepy call.

JAKE
Christina.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
How do you know my name?

JAKE
Its me.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Who?

JAKE
Jake

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Who?

JAKE
Jake

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Who are you?

JAKE
Jake!

LEWIS
She means OK, I know your name. Where do I know you from.

JAKE
Oh.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Im gonna hang up.

JAKE
No wait. Its Jake, the guy from church.

CHRISTINA (V.O.)
Oh. Now Im definitely gonna hang up.

Christina hangs up the phone. So does Jake.

JAKE
You win. I wont say Fuck, Shit, Bitch, Ass, Damn, Bastard, or Cunt anymore.

LEWIS
Nice to see you get with the program.

JAKE
(in a British accent)
Im a classy guy.


CONTINUOUS
INT: LEWISS BEDROOM
Jake and Lewis are standing in the middle of the room.

Lesson Two

LEWIS
You have to open the door for women.

Lewis moves to the shut door.

LEWIS
Pretend Im a woman.

JAKE
Uh. OK.

LEWIS
Open the door for me.

Jake moves to the door opens it and walks out it.

JAKE
Like that?

LEWIS
No you idiot. You stand back and let the lady go through first.

Lewis walks through the door to demonstrate. Jake shuts the door.

JAKE
Like this?

Jake tries to open the door but it is locked.

JAKE
You locked your door?

LEWIS
Shit.

JAKE
(laughs hysterically)

LEWIS
Shut up.

JAKE
Do you have a key?

LEWIS
No.

JAKE
(laughs harder)

CONTINUOUS:
INT: OUTSIDE BEDROOM
Jake and Lewis are standing outside the room. Jake starts kicking the door.

LEWIS
Stop! Youll break the door!

JAKE
So?

LEWIS
Its solid oak!

JAKE
Hold on. This isnt working.

Jake walks off screen
Pause
Jake walks back on screen with an axe.

LEWIS
Jake!

Jake swings the axe into the door and gets it stuck.

JAKE
Its stuck.

The door opens.

LEWIS
Weird.

JAKE
Guess all it needed was one more hard kick!

LEWIS
Now Ive got an axe in my door.

Bob walks down the hallway and past the room. He stops, turns around and comes back.

BOB
Is that an axe in your door Lewis?

JAKE
(whispering)
Busted!

LEWIS
No.

BOB
Yes it is.

LEWIS
Where?

BOB
Right there.

Bob points at the axe.

LEWIS
Wow! There is an axe in my door!

BOB
You didnt see it?

LEWIS
Nope. Thanks for telling me.

BOB
How did it get there?

LEWIS
Beats the heck out of me.

JAKE
Dont look at me. I didnt lock my door to my room and try to break it down with an axe.

BOB
Well, if you guys figure out how it got there. Let me know. The strangest things happen these days I swear. Axes in doors!

Bob walks off.

Jake and Lewis walk back in the room.

LEWIS
Lets try this again.

Lewis shuts the door from the inside. Jake moves over to it and opens it.

JAKE
There.

Lewis walks out of the room, so does Jake. Jake shuts the door.

They start to walk off and then realize what they just did.

JAKE
Whoops.

CONTINUOUS:
INT: CHURCH

Everyone in the room is singing Jesus Loves Me. Jake has this What the hell look on his face. He looks at Christina singing the song and starts singing himself.

JAKE
. The Bible Tells Me So.

Jake is still looking at Christina. He doesnt notice everyone stop.

JAKE
(singing)
Jesus Loves Me this I know. For the Bible Tells Me so.

Christina looks at Jake.

JAKE
(still singing)
Little ones who hear me low. They are..

Jake notices everyone else stopped.

JAKE
My bad.

FRED
Thank you Jake for that wonderful rendition of Jesus Loves Me. Was that the
(does a quote hand motion)
Old School version?

The whole church laughs.

JAKE
(really pissed off)
Fuc

Lewis elbows him. The whole church looks at Jake getting ready to gasp.

JAKE
che.

FRED
Fucche?

JAKE
Its slang. New term for us god-loving fellas in the ghetto.

FRED
What does it mean?

JAKE
Glory To God!

FRED
Ah. I see.

The whole church shouts Fucche

FRED
Fucche! Fucche! Amen!

Christina leans to Jake

CHRISTINA
Nice recovery.

CONTINUOUS:
EXT: OUTSIDE CHURCH.
Jake is standing with Lewis and Bob right outside. Christina and Fred walk up.

CHRISTINA
(to Jake)
Im cooking dinner tonight at my house. Would you like to come?

JAKE
It is a good-faith dinner right?

CHRISTINA
Absolutely. You wont be the only one Im inviting.

JAKE
I was supposed to spend some quality time with my brother tonight. Could he come along?

CHRISTINA
(to Lewis)
Id love to have you over.

FRED
Its wonderful to see what a little God can do to straighten a boy out.

BOB
No doubt.

Mika comes over.

MIKA
(to Jake)
Hey. Im Mika.



JAKE
(extends his hand)
Jake

Mika shakes his hand.

CHRISTINA
(to Mika)
Dont forget about dinner tonight.

MIKA
Oh. Yeah. Right.

FRED
Wed better get going.

Christina and Fred walk off. Christina waves at Jake.

LEWIS
That was sickening. You were so polite.

MIKA
Sup.

JAKE
I had a feeling you werent a churchy type.

MIKA
Youre right. Ive got a good show though.

Bob meanders off.

LEWIS
Why?

MIKA
To be friends with Christina, you have to be a good Christian otherwise Fred wont let you be around.

JAKE
Cool

MIKA
(to Lewis)
Youre kinda cute, in a Ferris Bueller kind of way.

LEWIS
Thanks.

JAKE
You comin tonight?

MIKA
Guess I have to.

CUT TO:
INT: CHRISTINAS HOUSEDINING ROOM
Fred, Christina, Mika, Lewis, and Jake are eating.

The camera stays on just Fred, Christina, Mika, Lewis, and Jake eating for 30 seconds.

FRED
(cough)

The camera stays on them for another 10 seconds. Fred gets up and takes his plate out of the room.


JAKE
Can we talk outside?

CHRISTINA
Im not finished.

Fred comes back in the room and kisses Christina on the cheek.

FRED
Im going to hit the sack. Its late.

Jake looks at his watch, it says 6:15.

CHRISTINA
Nite.

MIKA
Goodnight Mr. Thompson.

JAKE
Thanks for having me over.

Fred glares at Jake and heads upstairs.

CONTINUOUS:
EXT: FRONT PORCH
Jake and Christina are sitting on the porch swing.

CHRISTINA
Tell me more about you.

JAKE
Well. Im Jake. I play football at the college.

CHRISTINA
Really?

JAKE
Shhh. Im not done. Im 20, a sagitarius, and I love long walks by the beach.

CHRISTINA
Im Christina. I graduated from Stanford last year with a degree in marketing. Im looking for something to do with my life.

JAKE
Terrific.

CHRISTINA
Im not done. Im 24, cancer, and I hate beaches. I love long hikes in the mountains.

JAKE
That was my second choice.

Christina laughs.

FRED (O.S.)
Go Home!

JAKE
No!

FRED (O.S.)
Its Late!

JAKE
Its 7:00! Primetime TV isnt even on yet. The sun is still out!

The camera shows a 5 year old boy riding his bike in the street.

JAKE
5 year old boys are riding their bikes in the street!

A van comes out of nowhere. Percy gets out and abducts the boy and his bicycle.

JAKE
Nevermind!

CHRISTINA
Dont worry Dad!

JAKE
(quietly)
You make me feel something that

Everything I Am by NSYNC plays in the background.

CHRISTINA
Eeew. I hate this song!

Butterfly Kisses by David Carlyle plays in the background.

JAKE
But I hate this song!

Who Let The Dogs Out by The Baja Men plays in the background.

CHRISTINA
Not quite what I was going for, but itll work.

Jake moves to kiss Christina.

CHRISTINA
Jake. Its too soon.

JAKE
But the mood is set.

The camera pulls back to reveal candles everywhere.

JAKE
See?

CHRISTINA
But I cant.

A midget wanders onto the screen and starts to put out all the candles.

Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer plays in the background.

Christina kisses Jake.

JAKE
(shocked)
I wasnt ready!

Jake kisses Christina

CHRISTINA
Hey!

Christina kisses Jake

JAKE
No way. You arent going to get away with that.

Jake kisses Christina.

The camera pulls away from the two to reveal Fred standing behind Christina with a shotgun pointed at Jakes head.

FRED
Marry her or leave.

Jake gets down on one knee.

FRED
Forget the first option. Just leave.

CHRISTINA
Daddy! I love him! Leave him alone!

FRED
Just like you loved me?

Jake and Christina exchange awkward glances.

FRED
You know what Im talking about.

JAKE
Eeeeew!

Jake gets up and leaves.

CHRISTINA
Jake! Come back!
(pause)
Fine. I hate you. I never want to see you again!

CUT TO:
INT: LOCKER ROOM
Jake, Luke, and Marcus are changing out.

JAKE
She doesnt like me. I know it.

LUKE
Tough shit man.

MARCUS
When I started this team, you guys didnt like me.

JAKE
For what?

Marcus takes off his shirt to reveal breasts.

LUKE
Oh yeah. The whole crossdresser thing.

MARCUS
If there is one thing Ive learned from my experience as a man, its this:

JAKE
Where is this going?

LUKE
Get her back. Screw her dad.

JAKE
Eeeew!

LUKE
No. Get your mind out of the gutter.

JAKE
Oh. You mean forget her dad?

The little boy on his bicycle from before rides past. Percy is chasing him

PERCY
Stop!

MARCUS
What the hell was that?

JAKE
You wouldnt understand.

LUKE
Grovel.

The door to Coach Daddys office opens.

JAKE
I wonder who is coming out this time.

One of the players on the football team runs out naked.

JAKE, LUKE, and MARCUS
Eeeew!

Luke vomits.

COACH (O.S)
Jake! Get in here!

Jake walks into Coachs office and shuts the door. He is naked but the camera is behind him so all we see is Jakes reaction.

COACH
Heard about your women problems.

Jake makes a face that makes him look like hes in pain.

JAKE
Yeah. Um. Its solved. Got it under control. Can I go?

COACH
No. I want you to

Jake turns to the wall to look at a plaque.

JAKE
Gosh. I remember when we won this.

COACH
Jake. Listen to me. I need you to

JAKE
What?

COACH
Hand me that (points to floor) on the floor.

JAKE
What?

Jake looks on the floor and sees a dildo.

CUT TO:
INT: LOCKER ROOM
Luke and Marcus are waiting by the exit door when they hear:

JAKE (O.S.)
Holy Shit!

Jake opens the door to Coachs office and runs out.

LUKE
What?

Jake runs out the exit door.

CUT TO:
EXT: OUTSIDE CHRISTINAS HOUSEFRONT YARD
Jake is standing outside playing a guitar and singing a song.

JAKE
(singing)
And Ill be your crying shoulder. Ill be love suicide. And Ill be better when Im older, Ill be the greatest love of your life.

The camera backs up to reveal the whole neighborhood standing on their front porches. They applaud.

JAKE
Thank you! Thank you. Ill be here all night.

An old lady comes up to Jake and puts a five dollar bill down his pants.

JAKE
Thanks

The old lady walks off the screen.





JAKE
(singing)
You are so beautiful to me. You are so beautiful to me. Cant you see? Youre everything Ive hoped for. Youre everything I need. You are so beautiful to
(hitting a really high note and holding it for about 5 seconds)
me!

The camera shows an old couple two houses down kiss.

JAKE
(singing)
I can love you like that. I will make you my world.

The camera shows another old couple at another house kiss.

JAKE
(singing)
On heaven and earth, if you were my girl.

The camera shows an old lesbian couple at another house kiss.

JAKE
(singing)
I would give up my life.

FRED (O.S.)
Finally! Thats what Ive been waiting to hear!

Fred runs out of the house and starts firing at Jake. The little boy on his bike drives past with Percy chasing him. Fred shoots Percy.

PERCY
Jesus.

FRED
Sorry!

Christina runs out behind Fred

CHRISTINA
Daddy! No!

In slow motion, Jake drops to his knees (even though hes not shot). Christina does a baywatch run to Jake. She drops to her knees and grabs Jakes head.

CHRISTINA
Nooooooooooooo!

JAKE
(in slow mo speech)
Im not shot.



CHRISTINA
(in slow mo speech)
What?

OLD LADY (O.S.)
He says hes not hot!

OLD MAN (O.S.)
No no Beatrice. Hes not shot.

OLD LADY (O.S.)
Oh. My bad. Sorry!

Slow mo ends. Christina backs away from Jake.

CHRISTINA
You lied to me. You told me you were shot.

JAKE
No I didnt.

CHRISTINA
Yes you did.

NEIGHBORHOOD PEOPLE (O.S.)
No he didnt.

CHRISTINA
Liars! All liars!

Christina and Fred go back in the house. Jake walks back down the road.

CUT TO:
INT: JAKES BEDROOM
Jake and Lewis are talking.

JAKE
Im going all the way next Sunday. Im not holding back.

LEWIS
What are you going to do?

JAKE
Youll see.

CUT TO:
INT: CHURCH

There is no sound. We just see Jake looking forlorn and Fred blabbing on for about 10 seconds.

JAKE
Stop!

Jake stands up.

JAKE
Ive got something I have to say!

Christina looks at Jake.

Go The Distance by Michael Bolton begins to play.
Jake moves to the podium. Fred steps aside.

JAKE
(singing)
I have often dreamed of a far off place where a heros welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, and a voice keeps saying this is where Im meant to be. I am on my way. I can go the distance. Ill be there someday, if I can be strong. I know every mile will be worth my while. I would go most anywhere to feel like I belong.

The church people start to cry. Christina stands up.

U Remind Me by Usher starts to play.

CHRISTINA
(singing)
You remind me of a guy that I once knew. See his face whenever I- I look at you. Wouldnt believe all of the things you make me do. This is why I just cant get with you.

What Would You Do? By City High starts to play. Lewis stands up.

LEWIS
(singing)
Boys and girls wanna hear a true story? Saturday night was at this real wild party. Had the liquor overflowing the cup about five six strippers trying to work for a buck.

The camera moves to Fred.

The Real Slim Shady by Eminem begins to play.

FRED
(singing)
May I have your attention please? Will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Yall look like youve never seen a white person before, jaws all on the floor

The camera moves back to Jake

JAKE
Christina. I love you. I love you more than anything else you could think of.

CHRISTINA
(gasps)
No!

Christina runs out of the church. Jake follows.



CONTINUOUS
EXT: OUTSIDE CHURCH

Jake stops Christina as shes running.

JAKE
Christina stop. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

CHRISTINA
Really?

JAKE
No gags, no funny business.

The camera moves to the far right to see a man in black holding back the midget, the boy on his bicycle, the old lady, Coach, and Percy. The camera moves back to Christina and Jake.

JAKE
Please.

CHRISTINA
You heard my father.

Jake gets down on one knee.

JAKE
I know.

CHRISTINA
You cant be serious.

JAKE
I am.

Fred walks out.

JAKE
Mr Thompson. May I have the permission to marry your daughter?

Lewis walks out.

LEWIS
I didnt teach you that.

JAKE
I saw it in a movie.

Jake looks at the camera for a second then back at Fred.

FRED
Why?

JAKE
I love her.

FRED
How will you make a living?

Regis Philbin walks on screen.

REGIS
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

JAKE
Me!

REGIS
Youve got it.

JAKE
Me again!

REGIS
Youve got it.

JAKE
Me times 100!

REGIS
OK, youre pushing it.

JAKE
Please?

REGIS
Jake. You are the proud owner of 100 million dollars.

Regis sets down a bunch of bags of money. A Tax Collector comes up and takes away half of them.

JAKE
50 will do.

FRED
Marry her.

JAKE
Christina Thompson. Will you marry me?

CHRISTINA
Yes.

Jake stands up and kisses Christina. White pigeons fly around. The midget runs across the screen. The boy on his bicycle rides across the screen. The camera moves to an old couple kissing, then moves to Lewis and Mika kissing, then to Fred and Bob kissing, then back to Jake and Christina kissing.

Fade out.
BLACK SCREEN
THE END