A cross appears on the screen. The camera zooms in to the top where the following is engraved. It scrolls down the cross
CHAMBER PICTURES IS PROUD TO PRESENT THE GREATEST CINEMATIC ACHIEVEMENT KNOWN TO MANKIND. IT IS SO GREAT THAT WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS JUST HOW GREAT IT IS. CAN YOU EVEN FATHOM HOW GREAT THIS MOVIE IS? YOU HAVE JESUS IN ONE CORNER AND THE REST OF HUMANITY IN THE OTHER. THIS IS INSANE!
A MAC THE MOVIEGUY PRODUCTION (YES THE SAME IDIOT WHO DID ANGST)
----pop ups begin---
---the pop ups will be after the actor and his character----
JASON LEE
"JESUS"
Pop Up: Note that Jason played a Demon in Dogma. Isn't it hilarious that he's now Jesus?
THEY CALL ME JESUS
Pop Up: Wow. Such power!
GEOFFREY RUSH
"GIL BATES"
Pop Up: The bad guy. Not quite as bad as Shine was, but close.
ADAM SANDLER
"PERCEPOLES"
Pop Up: Finally a movie Sandler isn't the main guy in.
CARY ELWES
"HEATH"
Pop up: For all you Brooks fans, Cary was in Robin Hood Men In Tights too.
LIV TYLER
"EVELYN"
Pop Up: Liv recorded songs with her father for the soundtrack. Unfortunately they were "lost".
MEL BROOKS
"THE JEW"
Pop Up: Holy Jehovah's Witness! He's acting AND Directing!
HANK AZARIA
"LUCY FUR"
Pop Up: Get It? Lucifer!
AND
CHRIS KATTAN
"THE MUTE"
Pop up: Finally this guy shuts up for once.
THE CAST WAS GIVEN JUDGEMENT BY: MAC THE MOVIEGUY
THE SCRIPT WAS BANISHED TO HELL THEN RESURRECTED BY: MAC THE MOVIEGUY
THIS INCREDIBLY LARGE PIECE OF FECES WAS PRODUCED BY: MAC THE MOVIEGUY
Pop Up: This guy is a one man machine baby!
THIS MASTERPIECE WAS GIVEN A GODLIKE DIRECTION BY: MEL BROOKS
ON THE FIRST DAY: THE MOVIE BEGAN!
Pop Up: Cue the Movie
Black screen
The screen remains black for about five seconds until Jason Lee comes on the screen
JASON
Hi. I'm Jason Lee. The actor who portrays Jesus. As you all know, Jesus was black. But, Chris Rock wouldn't do this movie so they turned to me. I would just like to say to all the people in the back of the auditorium holding up their signs that say "Damn Mel Brooks To Hell" and "Jason Lee is an Ass" that if you just look closer.....
Red Petals start to fall from the sky. The theme song from American Beauty begins to play.
JASON
You'll see a masterpiece waiting for the projectionist to fix the movie.
Offscreen: PROJECTIONIST
Sorry. The film broke. It's gonna take at least another hour or so to fix.
JASON
What am I supposed to do for an hour?
PROJECTIONIST
Just joshing! It's ready to go.
JASON
Oh. Ok. On with the Show!
The Scene opens with birds chirping in the background, even though the scene is set in an alleyway of Harlem. We see Lil' Mary and Phat Joseph. Lil' Mary is smokin a joint
LIL MARY
Yo Jo-Jo. You want a hit of this?
PHAT JOSEPH
You know I strongly oppose drugs for they are against god.
Just then an old lady walks by. Phat Joseph proceeds to mug her
LIL MARY
But ya'll go out an rob an old lady?
PHAT JOSEPH
We live in a dumpster. I'm sure God doesn't care if we got money to eat.
A Bright light shines down on Joseph. A man comes down from heaven. We can see it is THE MUTE.
THE MUTE
(says nothing)
PHAT JOSEPH
Holy Mother Of Jesus!
VOICE OF GOD
This is THE MUTE!
LIL MARY
Did you see that? He spoke without movin his lips. I seen it before. That psychic did it. Miss Cleo!
PHAT JOSEPH
Miss Cleo is Black!
LIL MARY
He sure ain't no Cleo!
VOICE OF GOD
SHUTUP USELESS PAEONS.
PHAT JOSEPH
I don't pee on anything 'cept what I supposed to.
VOICE OF GOD
IDIOTS.
LIL MARY
I'm trippin. I gotta go!
Lil Mary gets up.
VOICE OF GOD
Wait! I need you to father my child!
Lil Mary runs into the street and is hit by a bus.
VOICE OF GOD
Damn. Now I have to wait another 100 years for a virgin Mary.
The Mute looks up at the sky waiting to be beamed up or something.
PHAT JOSEPH
Wait! Don't go God! I have some questions!
The Mute looks at Phat Joseph
VOICE OF GOD
What?
PHAT JOSEPH
I'll do anything.
VOICE OF GOD
Anything?
CUT TO: The Dumpster. It is rocking. You can only assume that The Mute and Phat Joseph are getting busy.
CUT TO: "Nine Months Later" Phat Joseph is sitting on a toilet.
PHAT JOSEPH
Man this one is huge!
The Mute walks in.
THE MUTE
(says nothing)
PHAT JOSEPH
Can a man have some privacy up in here?
THE MUTE
(says nothing)
PHAT JOSEPH
What do you want.
THE MUTE
(says nothing but points toward the ceiling)
PHAT JOSEPH
Yeah? So?
THE MUTE
(snaps his fingers)
VOICE OF GOD
Oh. Sorry. I was meditating. Thank you mute.
PHAT JOSEPH
I'm just tryin to take a crap. Give a guy a break.
VOICE OF GOD
Actually you're giving birth.
At that moment a plop sound is heard. Then a baby's cry.
PHAT JOSEPH
Dear Lord!
VOICE OF GOD
Yes? (pause) Oh. One of those darn slang things again.
The Mute reaches into the toilet and pulls out a baby.
PHAT JOSEPH
He's White?
VOICE OF GOD
Of course. He's Jesus.
PHAT JOSEPH
Wasn't Jesus black?
VOICE OF GOD
Yes and no. Jesus has been to earth several times as all of the races. The only famous one was when he was a jew. He was a gorilla once you know.
PHAT JOSEPH
Really?
CUT TO: Little Jesus being educated in a public high school.
NARRATOR
So Jesus lived his early years as....
The camera focuses on a white boy writing his name down on paper:
G- Zus
NARRATOR
Because Phat Joseph couldn't have spelled Jesus if his life depended on it. Jesus was educated in the finest of schools.
A kid behind Jesus pulls out a gun and shoots the teacher.
NARRATOR
Sort of.
Jesus gets up and moves to the teacher. He puts his hand on her breast. The other kids giggle. The teacher comes back to life.
DOPE JOEY
G up wit dat be wha jam G man cuz be up did dat wus?
JESUS
Fear not my small minded friend. I am Jesus! I am here to help!
The whole class busts out laughing.
NARRATOR
Jesus somehow survived school and graduated, as valedictorian.
CUT TO: Graduation
SPEAKER
Your valedictorian, with a 4.7 GPA, Jesus Christ!
The crowd applauses. The camera moves to two students snickering in the audience.
STUDENT 1
I bet he thanks God.
The camera moves back to Jesus.
JESUS
First off, Id like to thank
(pause)
Camera to the students:
STUDENT 2
Here it comes
Camera back to Jesus.
JESUS
Bob Dylan!
Bob Dylan (a lookalike) comes out of the audience.
BOB DYLAN
Aw geez man. Thanks. Thats nice of you.
JESUS
And of course I have to thank..
Camera back to the students
STUDENT 1
God.
Camera back to Jesus.
JESUS
Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty!
Rob Thomas gets up on the stage.
ROB THOMAS
Thanks Jesus.
Camera back to the students
STUDENT 1
Say it.
Camera back to Jesus
JESUS
Oh man. I couldnt have done this without my best friend in the world. The one guy who gets me through the day. Id like to thank (pause) my Dog!
A dog runs up on the stage. The camera cuts to the students. Student 1 stands up.
STUDENT 1
Jesus Christ! Thank God, Damnit!
Student 2 stands up and is about to say something when Student 1 is hit by a bolt of lightning.
STUDENT 2
(girlish scream)
JESUS
Oh yeah. And of course, I thank my father. The savior of mankind. God.
CUT TO: An Open Road
Jesus is walking down an open road.
NARRATOR
After graduation, Jesus took to the open road. He began his journey to find himself. Of course, he found a few people along the way.
SCENE: EXT--- Desert
Jesus is still walking down the road. We see a man lying in the middle of the road.
JESUS
That man! Hes in trouble!
Jesus rushes to the mans (Adam Sandler) side.
PERCEPOLES
Im not in trouble. Your father sent me to look after you.
JESUS
Who are you?
PERCEPOLES
Percepoles.
JESUS
The nymph?
PERCEPOLES
No. The writer.
